Thursday, 3 January 2013


Suddenly everybody is worried about being fat even more than they used to be worried about being fat. It's a conspiracy of course. Every hamster in charge of any January magazine knows it's time to market self-loathing. Now it's the politicians who worry. This is a big question for post-humanity, how do we evolve our idea of an NHS designed to rid scrawny kids of rickets in 1947, to one of resolving self-esteem issues with fresh breasts in 2012?
Julie took on a few solutions once, Gail Porter's 'Fat Burner Diet' was her favourite, but if you saw Gail Porter as she is now and as we spied in the holiday rags, looking not unlike Adam Ant as he appeared,  unfortunately, on Jools Holland's New Years Eve Big Disappointment, you'd realize certain celebrity solutions are not to be trusted; the lithe body that was once projected on Big Ben, and the lithe body that was swash buckling New Romantic pirate, had both ended up looking like little and large versions of Ronnie Corbett, except Gail was bald.
Certainly the economic value of hospitals has shifted, no longer a simple drain on resources, I'm sure a dump like Wythenshaw is largely supported by it's hospital, or at least that portion of NHS finances which isn't devoted to making Zurich like Zurich. Nurses are fat because there are no decent places or times set aside for them to eat properly in hospitals, it's no doubt all catering has been sold off to Mars. People who are poor are fat because they shop at Iceland because that is the cheapest place to buy food. Thankfully I'm fat because I like wine and can't drink whisky for breakfast anymore because if I did I'd be thin but then also I'd be dead.
Now they say if you're fat they'll be no more benefits unless you go to the gym. I can't think of anything more soul destroying, and I can hardly think of such unfairness to your fellow man. It is an affront to hear Tories endlessly bleating about 'storing up problems for the future' when their own self image and ideology is so resolutely located in the pre-industrial. They should look at themselves while sipping port in the easy chairs of the Carlton Club, or whilst retiring to the country seat.
Actually I can think of something more soul destroying, how about making prisoners pay for cells like hotel rooms. This is another silly season idea from conservative politicians, it would presumably allow themselves to be confined, if nicked, to five star quarters, maybe in Zurich, while the penniless rot in the clink. Well done, destroy the whole fabric of Enlightenent thought, go on...

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