Sunday, 11 March 2012

Chuck Klosterman

The career of Chuck Klosterman thankfully illustrates that you can come out of a farm in rural North Dakota and write the best rock journalism of your generation, it also illustrates the problems of doing just that, because he was (still is maybe) continually beleaguered by the problem of what he was supposed to do next. 'Of course...the novel' is a phrase I've heard many a time myself and mine is shelved indefinitely.
Illustrating just how good Chuck Klosterman is, comes the following taxonomy of 'the types of girls the premier metal groups (of the eighties) liked (or at least seemed to like)' from the excellent Fargo Rock City Pg 109/10. Hope he doesn't mind me quoting this brilliance (for educational use only), which must have taken many many hours to complete from the most unlikely source material.

'GUNS & ROSES: Bisexual models, submissive women, girls who would buy them booze.
MOTLEY CRUE: Strippers: women who have sex in public (particularly elevators) lesbians.
RATT: Hookers with a heart of gold. Or strippers with a heart of gold. Or thirteen year olds.
WARRANT: Virgins who exhibited the potential to become nymphomaniacs.
DEF LEPPARD: Drunk girls; female vampires.
THE CULT: Female vampires only.
W.A.S.P: Magician's assistants: women with rape fantasies; lower primates.
AEROSMITH: Models, but not waifs; high school snobs; more girls who like sex in elevators.
TESLA: Farm girls; whoever they used to date in junior high.
SKID ROW: Nameless, faceless top heavy sex machines (with hearts of gold).
BULLETBOYS: Girls with particularly deep birth canals.
LA GUNS: Drug-addled hitchhikers who like rough sex.
BANGTANGO: Faster Pussycat rejects.
VAN HALEN: Party girls; bikini models; the homecoming queen; cast members of 'One Day at a Time'.
DAVID LEE ROTH (solo) The same as Van Halen, except with bigger boobs.
BON JOVI: The girl next door.
VINNIE VINCENT INVASION: The dominatrix next door.
SLAUGHTER" Girls who couldn't make the cut as Bon Jovi groupies.
WINGER: Whoever Bon Jovi groupies used to baby-sit.
POISON: Girls who liked to tease; girls from small towns; good girls gone bad.
KISS: Any girl who wasn't dead.
IRON MAIDEN: Dead girls.
METALLICA: None of the above.'

No comments:

Post a Comment